December 7, 2012

Pleased to have known you, George Carlin

Because I'm homeless and underemployed and "not allowed to use the elevator without my host" and have access to Netflix, my four eyes have been hurting. I'm watching things I never thought I would (not porn, I just am not mature enough) and I have to say... hooray!

After finishing Freaks & Geeks, my now favorite show ever and I love it when I can say something is my "favorite" because that is the most difficult, most ridiculous question to ask someone, "What is your favorite...." my brother told me to watch Louis CK. I got that text message, but I didn't act on it.

Well, Netflix finally recommended Louis CK to me, and heck, I was on a roll! I already watched 5 movies before that, stop there?

I thoroughly enjoyed LCK (I should just type LICK). I know this because as I was lying on my boyfriend's bed in the same clothes I've worn for two days with my big white headphones on so I don't disturb his studies, and he kept glancing away from his books and staring at me because of my girly giggling and out of breath laughing. I started watching other stand up comedy skits Netflix recommended. I don't remember who else I watched, but I know I hated Jo Koy. I couldn't make out what he was, but in his opening monologue, he talked about his show in Alabama and how people kept staring at him because he was Asian. Nope. Not ha-ha funny enough. I was irritated. Sorry, Mr. Koy. I'll watch more of your shows when someone begs me to.

After 3 hours, I finally got to watch all of George Carlin's comedy shows. It made me want to add "George Carlin" under my religion part of my Facebook profile, but I didn't bother because Facebook and I aren't friends. I have to say, I'll never get used to seeing an old man holding a mic with one hand and the other hand doing an up and down gesture near his crotch area. When I block that out, and the many times he says cunt and dicks and tits and balls and cornhole and the like, I really like this old, bitter man. He's been missing in my life. His viewpoints are extreme and I love his curiosity, his questions, his imagination. The entire time, I thought of writing a screenplay inspired by his stories. I'm sure someone is working on that right now.

His opening monologue to "Life is Worth Living" which I have to say took a lot of strength to continue watching, impressed me. Now, can Kanye or perhaps a street performer/money beggar on the subway rap it? I'd definitely donate a dollar.

Below is his full monologue, and I bolded the last part because I sorta kinda see myself somewhere in there.

“I’m a modern man. A man for the millenium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist, politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been uplinked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high tech lo-life. A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, bi-coastal multitasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond. I’m new wave but I’m old school and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hotwired, heatseaking, warmhearted cool customer, voice activated and biodegradable. I interface with my database and my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive, and from time to time I’m radioactive. Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging the bullet, and pushing the envelope. I’m on point, on task, on message, and off drugs. I got no need for coke and speed. I got no urge to binge and purge. I’m in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar. A high concept, low profile, medium range ballistic missionary. A streetwise smartbomb. A top-gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties; I tell power lies; I take power naps; I take victory laps. I’m a totally ongoing bigfoot, slamdunk rain maker with a pro-active outreach, a raging workaholic, a working rage-a-holic, out of rehab and in denial. I got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant, and a personal angenda. You can’t shut me up, you can’t dumb me down, cause I’m tireless and I’m wireless. I’m an alpha-male on beta-blockers. I’m a non-believer and an overacheiver, laid-back but fashion foward, up front, down home, low rent, high mantinence, supersize, long lasting, high definition, fast acting, oven ready, and built to last. I’m a hands on, footloose, knee-jerk headcase, prematurely postraumatic, and I have a love child who sends me hate mail. But I’m feeling; I’m caring; I’m healing; I’m sharing; a supportive, bonding, nurturing, primary caregiver. My output is down, but my income is up. I take a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash flow. I read junk-mail; I eat junk food; I buy junk bonds; I watch trash sports. I’m gender specific, captial intensive, user friendly, and lactose intolerant. I like rough sex; I like tough love; I use the f-word in my email, and the software on my hard drive is hardcore; no soft porn. I bought a microwave at a minimall; I bought a minivan at a megastore. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I’m toll free, bite size, ready to wear, and I come in all sizes; a fully equipped, factory authorized, hospital tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle. I’ve been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double wrapped, vacuum packed, and I have an unlimited broadband capacity. I’m a rude dude but I’m the real deal, lean and mean, cocked, locked, and ready to rock; rough, tough, and hard to bluff. I take it slow; I go with the flow; I ride with the tide; I got glide in my stride; driving and moving, sailing and spinning, jiving and grooving, wailing and winning. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hardy and lunchtime is crunchtime. I’m hanging in, there ain’t no doubt, and I’m hanging tough, over and out.”

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